Cherries and Bananas - The Correct Way to Break Up

Breaking up is hard to do, but for many of us, it is a necessity. I think just about everyone has either broken up with someone or been broken up with. Is there a right way and a wrong way to break up with someone? What happens when you have been dating for awhile and it just seems stagnant.  It isn't going anywhere and you want out but you don't want to come off as a Bitch or an Asshole?  In other words, How can you break up and still be civil.

Here is the problem with break-ups: With a break up, you come up with a whole new set of circumstances and what-ifs that can be uncomfortable and awkward.  Things like:  Will my friends take his/her side? Will I be in fear of my life should I ever run into my ex at the local Denny's? What are the chances that home video he/she has of us screwing in a quiet corner booth of that nightclub downtown is going to end up on YouTube?

Take it from me, breaking up isn’t easy, and it could be argued that being the breaker-upper is even more stressful than being the one who was on the receiving end of the break-up. You have got to find the perfect time for the break-up (preferably not early morning when everyone is in a bad mood, mid-spooning session or as she’s putting her hand down your pants or he is getting ready to go down there under the sheets), the perfect place (Not at a Gun and Knife show or in the middle of a Chick Flick where all the other Women may gang up on you) and find the perfect method of communicating this tearful, shocking info (Do not use poetry to give the message "I'm screwing your best friend or send a text with the words "Goodbye forever, get your stuff out of my apartment.")

And even post-breakup, it is hard to deal with because many of your friends will be running in the same circle.  They will still see him or her and therefore you will be kept informed of your ex's every move.  If your ex-girlfriend is sleeping with the bodybuilder that lived in the apartment next door, you will know about it.  If your ex-boyfriend lost 25 pounds and has hit the gym and has a killer body, you will surely find out about.  Or he's just won the CMT song of the year award for his country song about the cold-hearted ex-girlfriend who tore a guys heart out but it is now OK because she is a slut with Gonorrhea. Or how she’s filled her apartment with handmade dolls that kind of look like you and she chats with them every morning and evening...and they all have your name!  

WHOA!!  Let's look at the last one...The Obsessive Ex.  Whether it is a guy or a girl, we all probably know one of two of these (I know about 7 of them!)  An Obsessive Ex can be big, big trouble.  They can slash car tires, show up at clubs and parties where you are at and spread lies about you, or even sit outside your apartment door all night, waiting for you to come home.  One big piece of advice - Think about he or she is going to react before breaking up.  If they are going to go Bat-Shit Crazy, then you better leave town or make sure they break-up with you.  If you don't, expect the next few months (or years) to be hell!!!

So is there a correct way to break-up?  Unless you move to Nome, Alaska or Outer Mongolia, or ditch all of your old friends and start hanging out with a new group of friends, your ex will probably always be a part of your life in some way or form. With that said, you need to take it easy and slow and look at the impending break-up from all angles.  If he or she is emotionally strong and stable, then sit down, have a talk and end it. Most of the time, when one feels like the relationship is over, so does the other.  They are just holding out not wanting to be the first (or they are in it just for the sex if it is mind-blowing awesome...But that is another post).  It the other is going to be crazy after the break-up, start acting different and make him or her break up with you.  That way they are usually happy with it and they don't think it is your fault. Everyone ends up happy.  If the second one doesn't work and it looks like he/she is going to be an obsessed stalker, it is probably time to quit your job, pack up and buy a one way ticket to Nome, Mongolia or the Sahara Desert. Good Luck with that!!!  

That's my humble opinion. What do the ladies think? Lanthie - Care to chime in?

Oh WOW  - This is a really difficult subject to respond to.  At first I was going to decline answering this one but then thought that I’d give it a go.  Not sure how funny or suggestive I can be with it and it may turn out to be quite a serious reply.

You are quite right though – break-ups are hard to do – under any circumstances.  So many of them happen via text message nowadays and I can understand why.  It is also a lot easier to do when you have only been together for a short time. 

But the moment you have been together long enough to get to know each others friends and families, it becomes a lot more complicated.  Not to mention an almost impossible task once you have children in the equation.

And then of course you only have to watch a film such as Fatal Attraction to realize the possible consequences of dumping someone.

I’m going to go into a more serious mode here and tell you a personal experience that I have not made anyone publically aware of.  In fact I think the only person who knows this story is my hubby and it is part of why and how we met.  It happened a long time ago and is now but a distant memory.

I got married at the ripe old age of 17 (not to present day hubby).  We were madly in love (or so I thought).  There are other reasons as to why I got married at this age as well but that is for another post  - and no I did not have a bun in the oven!  However, the day we got married, he started treating me totally different and I quickly realized what a mistake I had made.  So within a year the marriage was over and I had left.

However, he did not think so.  He used to hang out outside my work and follow me home and physically abuse me when he caught me alone.  I used to work late into the night in those days and sometimes finished work at 4am.  Current hubby used to work with me and he soon picked up that something was wrong.  Current hubby and a few of his friends eventually made sure that I was guarded 24 hours a day by one of them and they protected me.  My ex eventually moved on.  I was lucky! 

But not all women (and men) are this lucky.

But besides the obsessive break-ups, there are also the stock standard break-ups that leave you feeling like you have had you heart wrenched out.  I am sure we have all had this experience and many a song has been written about these sort of break-ups.  You only need to listen to this Gloria Estefan Song:

Is there a correct way to break up?  Not sure there is as someone is always going to be left extremely hurt.  

So I have made a list of things to take into consideration when breaking up:
· Do it in the right place – The place where you had your first date is possibly not the best choice
· Be honest and don’t fake excuses – Would you want to be lied to
· Don’t over react 
· Don’t use gadgets – man-up! (or put on your big girl panties) and do it in person 
· Be direct
· Don’t leave open doors or leave false hope
· Don’t let them be the last to know
· Do it calmly and don’t argue
· Keep the peace
· Walk away and don’t look back
· Distance yourself from the relationship afterwards
· Listen to your own gut feel. Don’t put off breaking up with someone because you are worried about what your friends or family will think or do. If they don’t want to be your friend afterwards then they are not worth having as friends.
· If you think your life may be in danger in any way – ask for help from a friend or report any abuse immediately.

And remember “Being with no one is better than being with the wrong one”

Sorry I wasn’t able to shed a happier light on this one Matt.